The old city, which seems to be most of it is walled. A bit like York, except it’s got all its walls,
not just little bits here and there. It is also a twist turny place, and as you walk through you see
your fellow tourists with the same map turning it round and round trying to find out where
the heck they are. “Usted esta aqui”. I don’t feel I should help anyone out, as it spoils the game.
What adds to the confusion is that the city is in 3D, as there are some covered walkways,
in fact tunnels here and there and the map is only 2D of course. There are plenty of bars
to fall into to ease the pain, but all in all it’s a treasure hunt, you are well rewarded by church
after mosque after museum.

Walls

As to be expected there are lots of knife shops. As in Crockadile Dundee you call that a knife?!
( The ?! is called an interrobang and it is quite interesting ). The picture of the knife shop didn’t
come out well, but it was a shop of knives and what’s more swords, I was very tempetd to
buy an Excalibur, for under 200 euros, and they even had whole suits of armour, which would
look good in my new home. Anyways….
Being male, I am a good map reader, and found the torture exhibition by instinct
( and a little map reading ).

Here are a few pictures on that fascinating subject.

The point

Now this one they lower you onto it. The point goes up your arse, or front bottom depending
and they raise or lower the ropes. Now the point of it is, that you have to stay tense to stop
the point of it going inside you so you cannot relax for a moment. 10 out of 10 for
whoever invented that one.

The rackNow there's a classic. Eveyone knows the rack, it's the gin and tonic of torture.

And the Iron Lady, always popular.

Maggie

Mask

All righty! A mask, appently made to make you look a cunt rather than to torture you, but they had to fill the place up as it was very small, but on the other hand was only 3 euros to go in.

Comfy Chair

Last but not least the uncomfy chair. It is full of spikes, and if that didn’t get you talking, then they would light a fire under the seat just to break the ice.
The city is multy level so involves a lot of climbing, so I was glad to have passed a Guinness sign, retraced my steps and went back for a cool one. It was just a hook ;-(. The bar keep said it went off in hot weather, but he offered me a Belgian dark beer which tempted me to stay. ( Free tapas also ).
They payed Van Morrison music, maybe to make up for the lack of Guinness, and the bar lady hummed along sadly. She said she was from Peru. Maybe she was missing the llamas?

A few beers later and it was time to navigate the the game of “adventure” once again. L, R, R,U,D ,D,L, free the bird! ( sorry about this, as almost no one played “adventure” on a PDP/11 did they? ).

Still more to see and do here in Toldeo, but time is pressing, and Madrid calls por la mañana.

The only think I knew about Toledo until today was that it was the home town of Maxwell Klinger in the TV series “M.A.S.H.”. Oh, also that it was famous for steel in the old old days, so I was surprsed when I arrived here to find that it’s a really big set of old touristy stuff, a bit like a theme park, only real. I checked into the Hospederia de los Tres Reys, and I’m finding it comfortable and friendly in a small hotel sort of way. The lady on the desk gave me some tourist info, and I’m surprised aboout how much there is here to do and see, but first things first, lunch. She directed me over the street to a place where her pal works ( or owns ), and I got a “menu”. In Spain this is usually a set meal for a good price that they do every lunch time. If you want eat a la carte, then ask for “la carta”. It delivered as promised, and I was well pleased. Here’s starter, paella.

Paella

I don’t like paella, but this one was actually very nice. I had three baby crabs in there as well as mystery meats. The crabs seem to have died for decoration, as they were to small to eat.
Anyway, paella, cod in tomato, and watermelon, to be had a small bottle of red wine ( chilled ) for only 9 euros. I came back to the hotel well pleased for my siesta.
While eating, I had been accused of being Belgian, which I don’t mind, but it set me thinking. Recently I most often accused of being Italian, which is a step up, as Italians think they can speak Spanish, but they can’t but they almost can. The next  step is for me to be accused of being Mexican, I can’t wait.

Oh yes, Toledo. I drove by the railway station as it was a landmark as to how to find the hotel and paked for a few minutes. I was pertty empty, but I did spot a couple of those trains with the beaky noses called the “AVE” which stands for something, but also means “bird”, so i expect who ever thought that one up feels very pleased with him or herself and is the hight of Spanish smugness.

Ave

I mention this as I am going to Madrid tomorrow, and I hope that it will be on one of these beasts, but for 9 euros I somehow doubt it, and it will be in the usualy cattle truck full of sick babies and South Americans. Ho hum.

But the station is pretty groovy, look!

Station

Tonight I will visit the old city ( just across the road it is ) and especially I want to see the torture exhibition, as it’s something to do with the Spanish Inquisition ( which I never expected ). Actually, I must get my skates on ( trainers actually ) and get over there as it is now 7:00 and the thing closes at 9:00.

I am now in La Mancha. Mancha means stain in spanish, so this is supposed to be a dirty mark, maybe it is twinned with Staines in Surrey, but that would be to funny if it were true. The landscape is flat in places with rolling hills and a few big ones. Right on cue as I drove in the windmills appeared. They were not doing great business, due to lack of wind, and somethings tells me they are more for show than wattage. Here’s a photo, they were not really moving much today.

Windmill

I am staying in a small town called Valdepeñas which has little to recommed it save for the fact that it is on the way to somewhere and a I got a really good deal on the Hotel & Spa Veracruz Plaza, at €65 per night. In the dead center of this scruffy little town someone had the bright idea to build a huge luxury hotel and spa. It has 4 stars and does bizar stuff like covering you in wine, to what end I have no idea. I think I get a free wine covering if I want to, but I don’t feel I will venture into that strangeness.

I checked in at about 3:00 and took a walk around hoping to get a beer in a bar. The whole town was shut. After half an hour I found only three places open.
1- This hotel.
2- The police station.
3 – The bar opposite the hotel.

Why did I bother to go looking? Anyway, usual drill, a free tapa with every beer, so I got a nice spicey chicken leg in tomato sauce and a bottle of beer. Slipped down nice. I will have to go out again to eat, but maybe I’ll end up back here? The spanish do not eat until 8:30, and even then they will look down their big noses at you as they are only just setting up the tables and lighting the ovens at that time. So I guess I’ll be tipping up at 9:00 which is late since I had no lunch, only the (small) chicken leg.

Oh and this hotel also seems to be empty, except for me and the staff, but the room is excellent and unlike last night it does not smell of curry.

Oh, yes Don Quixote, Just to say that this is Quixote country, and if you never read Don Quixote, the you should. I only started it one day ‘cos I found it in my digs and I was bored. Being about 500 years old you’d expect it to be rubbish, but it’s actually very funny, and either comedy is timeless or Cervantes invented a lot of the stock characters we think of as funny today. I like the horse, Rocinante, I think it was the model for Scooby-Doo.

I think Toledo would be good for tomorrow, with maybe Madrid the day after. See how I feel in the morning.

Scoody-Doo

Rocinante

Catweezle

As I left Valdepeñas I couldn’t help but think how scruffy and sad it all looked, and how plush and expensive the hotel was, and wonder what the heck it was doing there rather than in Marbella. They gave me a nice bottle of wine in a very fancy bag, which I felt was touching if a little strange, as if to say “sorry about the town, but have a drink on us”.

Arrived late today in Elche, due to stopping off for an unremarkable but long lunch. I’ll try not to make that mistake again. Elche is really cool, and it’s not that far from Alcante ( only 26km ). There’s a really nice calm feel to the city. It has the usual touristy church to see, and there’s an archeological museum, and some roman stuff. The thing I really like here is the water, there are fountains everywhere, and little waterfalls and stuff like that. They also have lots of palm groves dotted all over the place, apparently the Arabs planted them and they are everwhere. I spend a few really nice hours strolling through them.

There’s no food report today, since the grub was nice but unremarkable. I don’t have room for another meal tonight, so I’ll save my belly for tomorrow.

Here’s a picture of some fountains that were spouting up in the street.

Water in the street

Some palm groves.

Palms

Some fountains.

Pretty fountain

Doves drinking

Cheeky doves

Tree

A tree

I took the high road out of Granada this morning and headed for the Tabernas Desert outside of Almería. As you leave Granadaland, the scenery changes to the foothills of the Sierra Nevada, the mountains fade into the background and the foothills are all shades of pastel, and look like something that a clever child could have drawn with those Lakeland pencils you used to get as a kid in a tin.
Click this link now that takes you back doesn’t it?

An uneventful but dusty drive took me to Tabernas, the first thing I saw as I got off the motorway was a man on a white horse with a cowboy hat on. I didn’t get close enough to see if this was plastic, or of some poor sod actually was sitting there in 39 degrees of heat just to advertise a theme park. A quick look around town told me there was nothing to see, so I took the plunge and drove up to the Fort Bravo theme park.

16.50 gets you a ticket, and a finger pointing to the carpark. It was looking good, except although there were lots of cars, there we no people, just a couple of horses, two sorry looking bufallos and a mangy camel.

Just cars

Cars and a camel

You can just make out the poor bastard camel chewing mud or something.

Give ‘em credit, there actually is a full Western town there, and a small Mexican pueblo, a few indian tents, and a fort. But it seemed I was alone…. how wierd. I took a stroll around a couple of streets, and passed two people carrying a ladder.

High noone

The gatekeeper had told me that the show began at 12:30, and it was now 12:15, and as I rounded a corner I could here the unmistakeable sound of The Good the Bad and the Ugly theme tune.

Good Bad and Minging

This was belting out of the saloon, and folk were going in and out. Inside the saloon people were sitting drinking beer, which was not unreasonable, so I paid my 1.80 for a small bottle of San Miguel and joined them. Pretty soon the show started, basically four guys dressed up doing a cowboy scene in Spanish effecting (South) American accents ( they do this by missing the ends off a lot of words ).

It was pretty good, with occassional falling onto of kids in the audience and lifting some poor guy up and throwing him out of the swinging doors for comic effect. Health and safety have yet to reach Spain. Or should I say “Claims Direct” have yet to make their way here.

When done, this left me just enough time for a walk around and some lunch in the cantina before the second show ( with horses ) began in the main steet. The Tanoy asked people to not walk on the street for the next half hour, but those who spoke no Spainish just sort of assumed that galloping horses might not stop for them. Again, no health or safety issues as the four cowpokes rode lickety-split kicking up the dust and doing dangerous stuff. It was amazing. Here are a few pics to prove it.

Waiting for showtime

Fat dude on horse

There's gonna be a hanging

All in all it’s very homespun, slightly chaotic, understated and charming. There’s a small souvenir
shop where you can buy the hats and boots and stuff, and you can hire a horse for 9 euros and go poncing about on it if you like. I guess the real nuts would stay on site ( there are cabins ) and hire a horse for the day and take off into the sunset with a full canteen and a few tins of beans and some jerky. All in all, an antidote to those big theme parks, and I’m sure anyone who half likes this sort of thing would have a great time at Fort Bravo. Oh, here’s the fort….

Fatso

You can see some fat spaniard with his skinny kid in this picture. They actually drove the 100 yards from the carpark to the fort, looked around and drove back. Lazy gits!

Just a few notes about the hotel I’ve been staying in for the last two days. It was very comfortable, and cheap at 26 euros with breakfast. The restaurant was always busy at night time and the food splendid. It seemed to be run by a skeleton crew of a fat jolly couple with a few helpers. When I got up for breakfast both times there was a huge buffet with everything except bread, ham, cheese or light. When I asked the jolly fat man if breakfast was ready he gave me a funny look and said “of course”, then proceeded to put out the missing stuff and turned on the light. In all my time there I never saw another guest, I didn’t like to ask, but I think I was the only one. If it were not Spain, and sunny, I’d have taken it for a scene from “The Shining”.

Anyway, here’s a link to it, it really was excellent, and I’d recommmend it to anyone visiting the Alhambra, since if you follow the signs right ( some are easy to miss ) you’re only about 20 minutes drive away.

Hotel Juan Francisco

I found a back door to the hotel, so all was well. As for the food report, well like many places in Andalucia if you order a beer you get a free tapa, like it or not.

Enough with the tapas, this is making me hungry. It’s only 8:00 and they don’t seem much interested in serving food until 9:00, so I’ll carry on writing. I visited the Alhambra today, and I spent 6 hours there, which is a bit much, I think that 2 or 3 hours would have been enough. Yes, it is very spectaular, probably the most spectacular set of monuments I ever did see, and it’s well worth going if you are in the area, ‘cos you can’t really not go. The hype, of course, doesn’t help as the fact is always a let down, but a very pleasing way to spend a day in the gardens and the castles and palaces. Also of note is that lunch was had for 3 euros, all I did was buy two beers in a bar and the plates they brought were pretty filling.

Oh here are Alhambra pictures, but I’m sure there are better ones to be had on google. If you don’t know, the briefly the Alhambra dates back to the time that the Moors ( that’s Arabs to you and I ) ruled Spain. They were kicked out in 1492 by Ferdinand and Isabella.

Tomorrow I’m off to the Tabernas Desert where they made the Spaghetti Westerns. I think there’s a little Mexican looking town still there, a poor man’s version of the Universal Studio’s Tour maybe….or maybe it will be better than that. Anyway, I’m all set and looking forward to it.

I left my hotel with no idea of where my next hotel was, or what it was called. “No problem”, I thought, “I’ll nip into the next large town and find a locutorio and look up my booking. The next town was Loja. Arriving in Loja it seemed they were digging it up. A large board proclaimed the amount of euros they had filched for the project. To get to the town took about fifteen minutes of crawling on white stone and dust. Of course it took a few askings to find a locutorio and the town was built on a hill, so it was a climb, and when I got to it, it was shut. Like abandoned. Luckily there was a tourist office where I nice lady gave me a map and sent me down the hill to either the local college or the ciber cafe. The college was shut. The cafe was up the hill, and when I got there, it was shut. But hopefully they had a sign saying to walk another 50 meters up the hill where they had moved to. When I got there, the door was open so I went in. The floor was covered with dog ends, there was a well stocked bar, a small girl playing on a terminal, and a smell of sick. The small girl answered all questions with “no se” ( don’t know ), but it didn’t take me long to find her mum up to her neck in rubber gloves scraping sick into a bucket. I asked if there was any chance of a cup of coffee and to use the terminal. She told me to bugger off and come back in three hours. I left as I came in, but with the added bonus that I was in a convoy of cars following a water truck spraying the road to keep the dust down it took me thus even longer to leave that sodding town than it took me to get in.

Since I had to pass Granada, I decided to go into the city and for sure there would be a ciber cafe. This is saturday morning, and Granada was… shut. We’re talking big city here, and it was shut. After a wander around on foot I found a locutorio, and asked to use a terminal. The swarthy dude took off his headphones and I asked again. “Number 19″. After a ten minute search, I decided that all the terminals were numbered, except one, which must be “Number 19″. A few mouse clicks and I had the details printed out. Things were looking up. A half hour out of Granada into the Sierra Nevadas and the signs for Guejar Sierra gave a confident countdown as I sped along in my Toyota ( not a Yaris, but I can’t remember what it is ). All was well ’til suddenly the sign changed from spray painted metal to wooden board burned by a poker. I made the turn, the road was steep down hill, and since I had spent the last half hour climbing up a mountain this was not good. It soon narrowed to single track with nice drops and no fences. A comforting sign told me this was a very dangerous mountain track and to take great care. The road fell and fell and corkscrewed for maybe half an hour, and I was about to give up I small pointer assured me it was only 6.5 Km to the town.

Here’s some of the scenery ( no I didn’t fall off and die ).

If you look closely you can just make out the road of death.
Anyway after getting lost again, I finally found the hotel in this little town.

And when I got there, in dire need of a drink, in 36 degrees or so of heat, yes…it was shut. Fuck.

I arrived late on the 24th of July 2008 at this pretty hotel, which is called either “La Paloma”, “Los Tres Pollos” or “Hotel Rural” depending on where you look.

I’m about 80km north of Malaga near a place called Villanueva de Tapia. I managed to get well lost in my hired Toyota Yaris even before I left the airport parking lot. I stopped at a garage to buy a map since Hertz ( we are number one ) had no maps, only a photocopied thing that looks like one of those mats they give kids in “family pubs” to crayon on while the parents get blathered. It is a disgrace, I’ll take a photo of it if I can find it, but I didn’t colour it in yet.

Villanueva de tapia

The food and service are excellent, last night I had breast of duck in orange with a bottle of vino tinto fresco, all slipped down without incident. I’ll take down my camera tonight and photograph the food I think.

The people running this place have strange accents, so I’d guess them to be “E-Blockers”. The girl doing the cooking is the only one who speaks reliable spanish, the others swap around with english and some strange gutteral language.

I went into Antequera for a snoop around this morning. It was not amazing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antequera

Here’s a picture of the hotel.

Hotel La Paloma

Update: The owners are itallian, but have not lost their accent in 10 years. The food tho is not spanish, but well worth a visit it you are in the Malaga area.